20/09/17 - 04:13 AM


Author Topic: Tamster's writing try out (updated version)  (Read 362 times)

Offline Tamster123

Tamster's writing try out (updated version)
« on: July 15, 2017, 06:54:31 PM »

Hi,
My name is Tamster 123 (real name Tami Zavare) and this is my writing try-out for Archie Sonic The Hedgehog Online.

This is a story I wrote that explores the relationship between Sonic and his father in a way  that some may have considered while others and probably the majority have not.

 
While submitting this script as a try-out, I am also looking for feedback on how I presented the script and how I describe the things going on in each panel since that is  one thing I have never been too sure about in my script writing.
With that said, here is the story and I hope you guys like what you read.
Sonic the hedgehog online: father and son

STORY LOGO: Father and son

CHARACTERS:

TEXT BOX: Sonic The hedgehog: Hero of Mobius

TEXT BOX: Jules the hedgehog: Father of Sonic the hedgehog

TEXT BOX: Bernadette the hedgehog: Mother of Sonic the hedgehog

TEXT BOX: Charles the hedgehog: Techno wizard and uncle of Sonic the hedgehog


PAGE 1

PANEL 1:
The opening scene takes place in the hedgehog family house.In the kitchen,

Bernie is seen at the kitchen sink with an apron on washing some dishes while Jules is seen sitting at the table reading a newspaper.

 Jules appears to have an expression on his face that seems distracted or not really focused on what heís reading.

PANEL 2:
Jules puts the newspaper down and sighs,Bernadette turns her head  to face Jules wondering what is wrong.

JULES: *sigh*

BERNADETTE: Honey?


PANEL 3:

Bernadette turns her full attention to Jules who looks up at her with a worried face.

BERNADETTE:Whats wrong?

JULES:Itís SonicÖ

BERNADETTE: What about him?


PANEL 4:
From a side view
Jules looks outside the window and sees Sonic and Tails.

JULES: Lately Iíve been feeling as though thereís a bit of distance between us, that when he needs advice or anything of the sort Iím not the first person he turns to and usually itís Charles...



PANEL 5:

Bernadette leans forward and looks at Jules with a teasing smile and Jules looks to the side with a mildly annoyed look on his face.

BERNADETTE: Goodness Jules it sounds like you may be a little jealous of your brother.

JULES: BernieÖ




PAGE 2

PANEL 1:

Bernadette puts her hand on Julesí shoulder and looks at him reassuringly but Jules is still looking to the side seeming to be unconvinced.

BERNADETTE: Ok... if things are the way you say they are, I am sure he is just adjusting to having his true father around, after all he did think you were dead for almost his entire life. Just give him time.

JULES: I guess you are rightÖ


PANEL 2:

TEXT BOX: Later that day.

Jules is seen feeding Muttski in the backyard of the house. He looks up at Charles surprised to see him. Charles walks toward Jules greeting him with a small wave.

CHARLES: Hello Jules.

JULES: Charles!  What are you doing here?

Charles:Is there something wrong with paying my brother a visit?

JULES: Err...no I didnít mean it like that.


 PANEL 3

The view of this panel is an above view showing the entire back yard

Charles sits down on a log thatís placed against the wall near the door that leads back into the house.
Jules sits down beside him on the same log

CHARLES: Jules there is something I would like to speak to you aboutÖ

JULES: What is it?

PANEL 4:
The view is closer to the two from a side angle with Jules being closer to the camera\reader

Charles looks at Jules with a concerned look on his face while Jules looks at Charles pretending not to know what heís talking about 

CHARLES: Bernadette told me everything...

Jules: Hm? What do you mean?

PANEL 5
The angle is the same as last panel
Charles doesnít buy Jules act and Jules gives up the act with a sigh

JULES: Sigh, Ok...so you know how I feel about you and Sonic...I hope you donít think anything bad of it

CHARLES: Actually... I should apologize for what Iíve done Iím sorry if it felt at all like I was taking your son away from you...you should know--


PANEL 6

A young Sonic and Charles are seen walking in knothole hand in hand  while Charles appears to be telling Sonic a story

CHARLES~TEXT BOX: --Sonic as a kid always used to ask me what you were like when he thought you were dead.  He always wished to have met you. When that wish became a reality in ways it was probably difficult for him to come to terms with the fact that you were alive, especially considering your condition. Despite that even before he found out you were alive, Sonic always saw you as someone to look up to and he probably sees you as more of an influence than you think.






PAGE 3

PANEL 1:

Jules puts his elbows on his legs and rests his head between his hands with a sad look on his face and Charles looks down at him

JULES: Really?...Well I wish he would tell me thatÖ


PANEL 2:

This panel focuses on Charles as a smile grows on Charles face

CHARLES: Well, you could always ask him.


PANEL 3

Jules looks up at Charles with an unsure look on his face while Charles has a confident look on his face.

JULES: Huh?

CHARLES: yeah! Besides if youíre feeling this way--





PANEL 4

CHARLES~TEXT BOX: --then you guys are way past due for a father son talk

The shot is from behind Jules
Jules is shown walking toward freedom HQ and the entrance is seen just ahead of him


PAGE 4

PANEL 1:

This scene takes place on the second floor of Freedom HQ
  Jules walks in and sees Sonic and Tails preparing to go out on a mission, they both turn their heads to face Jules after noticing heís walked in

JULES: Sonic! And hello there Tails

SONIC: Oh hey Dad donít usually see you around here!

TAILS:Hello Mr Hedgehog

JULES: Yes I do believe this is the first time Iíve been hereÖ


PANEL 2:

The panel is shown from in front of Sonic with Jules behind him
Jules approaches Sonic who turns his attention back to preparing for the mission

JULES:Sonic I err...need to talk to you

SONIC: Oh uh sorry pops, but Iím kinda busy right now. Freedom fighter stuff you know how it is!


PANEL 3:

This panel is split into two halves one half focuses on Jules having a disappointed look on his face and the other half focuses on Sonic noticing Julesís expression and deciding to go with him

Jules:....

Sonic:I guess I could spare a minute or two


PANEL 4:

The view is a distance away from Sonic and his father with one of the couches taking up a part of the shot.

Sonic and Jules walk down stairs with Sonic behind Jules with a curious look on his face.


JULES:Thanks son




PAGE 5

PANEL 1:

This panel is a wide shot from in front of Sonic and Jules
Jules and Sonic sit on the couch with a notable gap between the two of them


SONIC: So what did you wanna talk about dad?


PANEL 2:

The panel focuses on Jules as he looks down with a sad expression on his face

JULES: Sonic...lately Iíve been feeling as though there has been a bit of a distance between us that despite me being your father we are not quite as close as we should be

PANEL 3:

The panel focuses on Sonic having a blank expression as he listens to his fatherís words

JULES(off panel): Why is that Sonic? Please tell me

PANEL 4:

Sonic averts his eyes having an expression that shows he doesnít want to talk about it


PANEL 5:

This panel is from a side view of Sonic and Jules the upper part of Sonicsís face cut off going from the muzzle down.

Jules, still a bit of a distance away from Sonic looks at him.

SONIC: DadÖ




PAGE 6

PANEL 1:

The panel closes up on Sonic
Sonic has a saddened and guilty smile on his face

SONIC:I guess you caught me huh?

PANEL 2:

This panel focuses on Jules who looks at Sonic (off panel) with a confused expression on his face.

JULES: Caught you?


PANEL 3:

The panel is from beside Sonic with Jules again still sitting a distance away from Sonic.Sonic turns his head from Jules still not wanting to talk to his father. Jules leans forward to look at Sonic waiting for Sonic to continue.


JULES:Sonic talk to meÖ


PANEL 4:

The view of this panel is from behind Jules just slightly above and over his shoulder as he looks at Sonic,Sonic turns back around to face Jules

SONIC: I...didnít want to get too attachedÖboth you and mum(mom) were gone for so long I thought you were dead, and to see you guys come back Iíve always been afraid of losing you guys and getting hurt and there were so many encounters.



PANEL 5:

 This panel shows an above view of Sonicís entire house with everyone from the hedgehog family absent except for Sonic himself.

TEXT BOX~SONIC: like with those satellites,when I came back home and found all of you guys gone it felt like I was alone again with no family.

TEXT BOX~*issue 73*




PAGE 7:


PANEL 1:

In this Panel we see the robot Tommy turtle damage Jules as Sonic rushes in seeing the fight happen.

TEXT BOX~SONIC: And with you specifically...you almost died And for real that time! It became more difficult for me to get closer when I knew your lives were in constant danger and I didnít wanna be hurt again,next time a power ring may not even bring you back.

TEXT BOX:*issue 136*


PANEL 2:

The panel is from Sonicís side of the couch again, Sonic looks down with his eyes closed and Jules looks at Sonic rather surprised that Sonic opened up to him

JULES(thought bubble): This is so unlike Sonic,I never thought he could get like thisÖ.

JULES: Sonic I understand now, but if you really felt this way then you should have tried to talk to me about it or at the very least your mother.

SONIC: I didnít want you guys to worry,Iím sorry





PANEL 3:

In this panel Jules back is turned to the reader while Sonic faces the reader,Jules gives Sonic a hug.The expression on Sonicís face shows heís surprised or taken back slightly by Jules suddenly hugging him

JULES: no need to worry son,at least weíve finally had this talk


PANEL 4:

Jules lets go of Sonic and looks at him with a teasing smile while Sonic has a nervous smile on his face while holding his hands up in a sort of Ďno thanksí sort of way

JULES: now that weíve gotten all that pesky family drama out of the way, since Sallyís back I think itís time we have that talk about the birds and the bees

SONIC: uh,I think Iím good for now

SONIC(THOUGHT BUBBLE):Knuckles told me thatís one of the conversations you should avoid when it comes to parents, I think itís best I stick to that.




PAGE 8:

PANEL 1:

This panel is a close up on half of Sonicís face, behind Sonic is Sally acorn rushing into freedom HQ glad to see that Sonic is already there

SALLY: Sonic,Good youíre already here!

PANEL 2:

The angle of this panel is from in front of the couch that Jules and Sonic are sitting on,Sonic and Sally greet each other with a light kiss and Jules watches with a proud look on his face

PANEL 3:

Jules is shown closest to the reader while Sonic and Sally are shown a bit of distance away from the couch Jules is sitting on,Sonic and Sally run of toward the stairs hand in hand.

 Sally waves to Jules and Jules waves back with a smile on his face.

SALLY:sorry to steal your son like this Mr.Jules but we gotta hurry!

JULES: itís ok,you guys go do your freedom fighter stuff.


PANEL 4:

This panel focuses on Jules with an expression of relief and curiosity

JULES: where will our relationship go from here I wonder?


THE END










« Last Edit: July 19, 2017, 01:12:02 PM by Tamster123 »

Offline TuxKnux

Re: Tamster's writing try out
« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2017, 08:19:00 PM »
Two things:

First, if I can't read the story you're writing, there's no point in having me appraise your work. You should spend some serious time working on your capitalization and grammar, because there's literally 15 such errors in your first paragraph.

Second, please submit a completed story, not a work in progress.

Fix these problems and I'll actually give your story a thorough look-see.
"You can't mess with Big the Cat anymore."--IGN

Offline Tamster123

Re: Tamster's writing try out
« Reply #2 on: July 16, 2017, 05:39:38 PM »
Two things:

First, if I can't read the story you're writing, there's no point in having me appraise your work. You should spend some serious time working on your capitalization and grammar, because there's literally 15 such errors in your first paragraph.

Second, please submit a completed story, not a work in progress.

Fix these problems and I'll actually give your story a thorough look-see.

message received and updates made :)

Offline TuxKnux

Re: Tamster's writing try out (updated version)
« Reply #3 on: July 16, 2017, 06:00:21 PM »
Thanks for completing your story, but you only fixed (most of) the errors in your first sentence. You should check over all of it.
"You can't mess with Big the Cat anymore."--IGN

Offline Tamster123

Re: Tamster's writing try out (updated version)
« Reply #4 on: July 19, 2017, 01:08:06 PM »
Thanks for completing your story, but you only fixed (most of) the errors in your first sentence. You should check over all of it.

okay necessary changes made! :)...I think..

Offline TuxKnux

Re: Tamster's writing try out (updated version)
« Reply #5 on: July 19, 2017, 02:10:24 PM »
Tamster, I really appreciate the effort you've put into this story, and for taking the time to try to improve it. It means a lot.
However, there are still an inordinate number of grammar errors in this story (issues with capitalization, sentence structure, and so on), and because you seem to be unaware of them, I'm going to reject your tryout.
Feel free to try again in a few months, but if you want to write for this group, learn more about how to grammar.
"You can't mess with Big the Cat anymore."--IGN